Shadowed Emotions
by say-chan
Summary: [KURTTY] After a series of thoughts, Kitty's inner turmoil has finally gone to an end. As she reminisces the past events that came and went her way, she finds an answer to her questions. Will she tell kurt how she feels? Please R&R!
1. Hidden

**Shadowed Emotions** **by: say-chan**

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Disclaimer: I do not own X-men: Evolution or any characters involved in it. I do now own Kitty Pryde, or Kurt Wagner. In fact I don't own anyone!! ^-^ But I would LOVE to have Nightcrawler to myself! Oh well, cut the crap. This is another Kurrty by yours truly. "**i am**" and "**raindrops**" are still open to reviews! ^-^ hehehe... thanks to those who will read this and have read my previous fics. the voting for "**raindrops - the sequel**" is still going on, so please, tell me what you think. This fic is a preparation to a big ficcie that is still untitled up to now. I hope you guys like this. Please R&R!

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_**Chapter One: Hidden**_

_~How could you give your love to someone else and share your dreams with me?~_

Darn it. There he was again, sitting with me at the back of Scott's red car. I nodded my head, pretending to listen to his constant jabber about how Amanda looked at him and winked back in Math class. Thank heavens I wasn't there! I would've snapped my ruler in two and walked right out of the window. 

I could always tell him to bug off and quit talking to me like that, but part of me wouldn't let that happen. Nah ah. Yeah, of course I could have done that but I wouldn't want to hurt my best friend's feelings, would I? I mean, Amanda's the only source of his happiness and I wouldn'twant to repay Kurt that way after all he's done for me. After my huge breakup with Lance? He was always there. He always had that extra time for me. To share my burdens with me, even if that meant getting hurt in the process. All I could do is to give him what he wants. 

Amanda is such a great girl. Who would say 'no' to a girl like her? Definitely not Kurt Wagner. He likes Amanda, who didn't know that? The way he sets his sappy eyes at her as she waltzes right by me and greets him. He practically wooned and said 'Keety, did you zat?' or 'Keety, she looked at me!'. Sometimes I've wanted to stick my head inside my locker and not hear a word that he says. But would Kitty Pryde do that? No. She's right there. Flashing an award winning fake smile and nodding as if she was interested in what he was talking about. 

Ever since that day at the school dance, he never talked about anything else but her. About how his three fingered hand held hers perfectly. Or how his prehensile tail fit her waist so well. Or how he looked at her smile and started to melt. I shook my thoughts away in disgust. I was talking like I was jealous. I've learned my lesson and I'm not ever falling in love ever again. I could be a nun or something. I wouldn't want to risk everything I have and end up losing the game all over again. 

"Keety?" I heard his stupid German accent fill my ears again. I pushed my thoughts away. "Aren't you going get out?" he asked. His image inducer was turned off, his ears standing pointedly on their edges. I blinked and saw that everyone was gone, except Kurt and Scott who were looking at me with perplexed expressions. 

"Yeah, like, I am." I replied and phased out of the door leaving them with a more quizzical look. I almost lost my mind as I phased through Logan in the second floor hallways. 

"Watch where yer going, Half-pint. " he said, casting an aggravated look at me. 

I smiled faintly and again phased into the room me and Rogue were sharing. I flopped down on the bed and scattered my books on the floor. I totally hated Thursdays. That meant an extra load of homework on my back. Exams were coming the week after next and I still wasn't ready. I started on my homework. I was almost finished. I only had to read a couple of pages in my Literature book and I was done. I flopped on my bed and started reading. 

Because of tiredness and exhaustion, I fell asleep in the bed. After a couple of hours, I felt someone shaking me. I groaned and turned over. The hand kept shaking me. Sighing in despair, I looked to my bedside and looked for where the hand was coming from. A pair of golden yellow eyes were watching me in the darkness and white, pointed teeth gleamed. I skid back a couple of inches, terrified of the figure looking at me. 

"Keety, I'm sorry if I voke you up. But I really need a favor to ask you." 

I recognized the silly German accent and switched on the small nightlight. "Yeah? Like what time is it?" I asked, rubbing my eyes and yawning. 

"It's only 10 ," he replied. 

"What's it that you want?" I asked. 

"Keety, can ve talk?" he said, seriously. 

"Yeah, and we aren't talking right now?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, wanting to get straight to the point. 

"Uh, can ve talk someplace private?" he said, and I watched him side glance over to a sleeping Rogue. 

I shrugged. "Okay," I replied as I stood up and wrapped my robe around me. 

I slipped on my slippers and held on to Kurt's shoulder. A puff of smoke and the smell of sulfur and we were gone. He had 'ported us to a nearby playground. It was quite old, but still nicely furnished. I took the swing and sat on it. Kurt bamfed and I saw him sit at the foot of the slide, facing me. 

"Okay...?" I asked as the tensions rose between us. He glanced at the crescent moon and the twinkling stars above us. I heard him sigh. 

"Keety, I have zis big problem." 

The seriousness in his voice made me quiver. A cold rush of wind made me hug myself tighter. 

"Anything that I, like, could help you with?" I asked with uncertainty. 

"I have a friend." 

I nodded to show I was listening. 

"Who has a friend." 

"And?" I was getting impatient. 

"Who wants to know what kind of flowers does a girl like," he replied, blushing slightly. 

I almost laughed at his statement but I preferred to keep quiet. My heartbeat raced as thoughts made their way in and out of my mind. I shook my head. 

"Kurt, will you please get to the point?" I asked, my impatience growing a bit more. 

"Uh, okay. I guess ze friend thing didn't work out zat vell on you." He sighed and shifted his hands to his knees. "Keety, since you're my best friend and all, I need advice." 

I leaned forward, as if wanting him to go on. This was the most interesting thing that I've heard from his mouth since who knows when. I nodded to show I was listening. 

"Keety, I-" 

He paused suddenly. My throat went dry as I searched for words. I was about to say something but he opened his mouth first. 

"Keety, I think I'm in love." 

My eyes widened with shock. Emotions filled my eyes as I looked at him, he glued his eyes to the ground, as if finding it interesting. 

"Huh? Like what do you mean? In love? With whom?" I asked, eager to know who the person was. I leaned forward more, almost dropping from the swing where I was sitting. Cold sweat dripped from my forehead as he opened his mouth and his fangs gleamed to the moonlight. It shone right behind him, giving him the glow I needed to see his face clearer. I bit my lower lip as I fiddled with my hands. 

He looked at me straight into the eye. "Keety, I think I'm in love vith-" 

%%% 

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a/n:

okay, this will be a five-chapter or less story so i just hope you guys would like this. a couple of my fics in the other sections are still frozen up to now because of my big upcoming ficcie which is still untitled until now. i hope you guys liked this one because i really worked hard on it. i'm sorry for the kurt's lame german. i don't quite know how to get it done yet.

and to my credits! thank you to those who reviewed my fics! you guys are really NICE! to my beta, Joy, to -bentesiyete-, Kare, 1mig, Raine, Yasu, Kitzune, Eunice, Bez, Dino, JM, April, pookies, mike, and to my friends at fastgames and pldtplay, and to the guys who know me! ^-^ hehehe... Credits to DBZsista and to RedLion, you guys rule!! ^-^ 

to my twin, Ria, thanks for everything. again, a kurrty dedicated to ya! ^-^ i hope you guys review my other fics, "i am" and "raindrops". thanks!

please R&R!!! ^-^ thanks you all! ^-^ *gives everybody a big hug* luv ya guys!

say-chan

[contact me through reviews and through email... i really LOVE feedback! ^-^]


	2. Tears and Petals

**Shadowed Emotions** **by: say-chan**

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Disclaimer: wow! i guess i'm back writing again. exams have been keeping me. so anywayz, that pretty much is all. here's chapter two. by the way, x-men : evolution is not mine, so please don't sue me... ^-^ please R&R! *pleads* oh and for a spoiler: rogue's gonna play a major part next chappie! ^-^ i might even write a rogue/gambit... so wacha think? ^-^

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_**Chapter Two: Tears and Petals**_

_~You can call me selfish, but all I want is your love... You can call me hopeless, because I'm hopelessly in love...~_

After that night, I didn't know why I even went with him to that stupid playground. I wished I was somewhere else, doing something else and not with him, asking for his emotions. Well, I think I expected too much. 

The smile that was plastered on my face was fake. I would've erased it, but people would notice and ask me why. That's what I'm afraid of. Other people misunderstanding me, my feelings, my emotions, thinking that I am too immature for my age. I didn't want to be like him-- so carefree, benevolent... not caring what the world thinks of his actions, and him as well... Not minding the insults as both time and life passes him by. Or so, I thought. 

I wonder what he feels right now. What he feels of his appearance. Of how people look at him differently. I know, we're all mutants, but he's-- different. I wonder if he feels judged-- mistreated by the way people look at him. 

That's when I began to think... -- to start to care for that stupid blue elf. My heart started to ache as I felt hot tears rim my eyes. It made me feel... sorry for him. If I felt different, If I felt judged, If I felt mistreated... If I felt life was unfair for a mutant like me, then what did he feel? 

I sighed as numerous questions filled my head over and over. I didn't know what to do. I wiped my tears dry, like he would do to me. But there was no shoulder to lean on , no chest to cry on. Because he was with her. 

Somehow, a thought snapped me out of my reverie. He picked the right girl. A couple of scenes flashed right by my tear-stricken eyes. Some scenes that happened that I won't ever forget. I passed by his images, his elfish grin... and that scene from the other night... his voice shaking, his ears standing on their ends, his tail hanging tensely in the air, this three-fingered hand uneasily clasped the other, his eyes fixated straight to the ground... He opened his mouth, fangs gleaming in the moonlight. 

"I think I'm in love vith-" 

--- 

"KITTY!!! What the hell are ya doing?!" Rogue let out a yelp. I looked and saw myself almost phasing through the door of my locker. I regained composure and stood straight. "What's wrong with ya, girl? Are ya out of yer mind?" 

"No... I'm just, like... drifting..." I answered. 

"Figures. What's up with you and Kurt?" she asked me as I started putting books in my locker, the normal way. 

I almost dropped my books and cringed at the sound of his name. "What do you mean?" I asked innocently. 

"Don't play with me Kitty. You know what Ah'm gettin at." I didn't mean to keep anything from Rogue. It's just that it was too personal to talk about. 

"Huh?' I gave Rogue a quizzical look. 

"Ya've been avoiding yer 'best friend' fer over a week now." 

I paused for a while to think of another lie to tell, another story to put together. I was about to tell her 'I like don't have a best friend.', but Rogue knew me better. Sighing in defeat at Rogue's answer-me-or-you'll-be-dead stare, I replied, "Ask him." with a hint stiffness on my voice, disgusted to even say his name. 

"Look, Kit, It's not that Ah care and all, but he asked me to give this to ya. He says he's really worried about ya." she said as she gave me a single white rose, a red ribbon tied neatly around it. I looked up at Rogue. "Go ahead, open it." she said, staring at an envelope. I flipped open the small card that came with it. 

_"dearest kitty,_

_ for about a week now, you have been strangely avoiding me. i'm really worried about your sudden actions. if ever i did something --- anything that made you_ _feel that way, i'm sorry. i really am. i wish you could forgive me._

_ your fuzzy elf,_

_nightcrawler "_

I closed the card. Seeing Rogue, one eyebrow raised, arms folded in front of her chest, foot tapping, I simply shrugged. He was so lame.. Anger filled my veins, making my blood feel hot, and my face burned. I held the stupid envelope at its two ends and tore it apart. Peering through the crack I had made in the paper, I saw Kurt, surprised and dampened with the things I did. My brow creased as I let go, letting the two pieces of debris fly with a small gust of wind. I walked past him, letting the white rose fall on his feet. I walked away, seven feet of hard, polished marble separated me from the person I kept my innermost feelings from. 

Deep inside, I was hurting. It tore my heart the way I tore that piece of paper. I simply walked away, like I always do. Ignoring the stares, the tears I felt streaming from my eyes. Ignoring the pain I was feeling, Ignoring the love I constantly gave him. 

"Keety..." I heard his stupid German accent again, but it wasn't his regular voice, it was almost pleading, begging me to turn around, hug him, for him to hold me in his arms to stop me from crying, to somehow make the world feel alright. But I didn't come to him. I-- I walked away. 

Minutes after--I didn't realize I was home--I flopped down on my bead, crying my eyes out. Rogue came in, sat down on the edge of my bed and sighed. 

"Are ya okay, sugah?" she asked. 

"Yeah." I said, my voice muffled by the sound of constant sniffling and hiccoughing. 

" Ya aren't much of a liar, ta tell ya the truth." she said. I didn't answer. I heard her sigh again. "You know, he's feeling twice as much pain as you're feeling now." she said. 

" What do you mean?" I asked, puzzled by Rogue's statement. 

"They didn't last." Rogue looked down to the white sheets of the bed. 

"Huh? Who didn't?" I asked, my head turned to her direction. 

"Ya know..." she said, trapping the room in dead silence, as she wondered off to the end of the room as the window sill. She looked out, scarcely making a sound. I felt my throat go dry and tears sting my eye for no particular reason. 

"She just broke up with him." she finally spoke, her voice drowned in a river of dread silence. 

"Who did? Who broke up with who?" I asked in confusion. 

"Amanda and Kurt. They just broke up a while ago, Kurt's really down about-" she mouthed slowly. 

"What do you mean? Why?" I asked, panicked my Rogue's words. What did she mean? Why did they break up? They were going wonderful together. I didn't know what separated them. They were so... adequate... I mean, Amanda saw him for what he is-- for who he was on the inside. Kurt-- Kurt Wagner. ****

"Rogue, why? how? What happened to Kurt? Why did they break up?" my thoughts raced as they drowned my feeble words. 

I needed to know. 

I needed some answers. 

"I need to know." I whispered as a tear fell down my cheek. 

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a/n:

hey guys! thanks for reading and reviewing the first chapter! here it is, the follow-up on the cliffhanger. hehehe. i hope you guys like this installment and i really wish you guys would review and read on to the last chapter... tell me what you guys think...** RAINDROPS** and ** I AM** are very honored to have reviews, too... ^-^ hehehe...

anywayz, thanks to those very nice writers who replied to my emails, you know who you guys are! to my friends, Joy, Kare, 1mig, Rika, Anne, Eunice, Bez, Dino, JM, April, pookies, mike, and to my friends at fastgames and pldtplay, and to the guys who know me! ^-^ hehehe... Credits to DBZsista and to RedLion, you guys rule!! ^-^ to 19B and to ***** ^-^.... hehehe...

to my twin, Ria! ^-^ mwah! i luv yah!

and this marks the end of my creditz! please please please! tell me what you guys think and submit me a teenie weenie review.... please? R&R! ^-^

my beta hunt is still ongoing! email me if you're interested!

lovelotz,

say-chan

[oh and before i forget, ** RAINDROPS-THE SEQUEL** will either be named ** "TEARDROPS AND RAIN"** or ** "TEARS IN HEAVEN"** and will be released if i have enough votes and time... ^-^ besides, i haven't written anything, YET! ^-^ tell me what title is better, okay?] 


	3. A Candle amidst the Darkness

**Shadowed Emotions**

**by: say-chan**

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Disclaimer: another wonderful piece of crap from my mind unfolds! ^-^ this is the third chapter of the series... i hope you guys like this! anywayz, i do not own x-men : evolution. i only own the very crappy idea... ^-^please R & R! *pleads*

note: this is a PWP! ^-^ [plot? what plot?]

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_**Chapter Three: A candle amidst Darkness**_

_~I'm afraid to fly... and I dunno why... I'm jealous of the people who are not afraid to die... It's just that I recall... back when I was small... someone promised that they'd catch me... But then they let me fall...~_

Alone... All over again. Thoughts still circled in my head, which was****sore from the events recurring, twisting, reaching out to the darkest part of my brain I couldn't even reach. More and more events -- both cruel and harsh made their ways to my consciousness. I was lost in thought. 

It was deja****vu all over again. The elfish grin that was once plastered beneath my eyelids faded away as tears drowned them for the thousandth time. The searing pain pierced my heart again. MY own words... my own thoughts were like sharp knives and daggers stabbing me constantly. Everything was very unclear. Things had happened so fast that they couldn't register as they happened. Okay, maybe I'm not making any sense, but I have every reason not to. I don't understand... I just don't! 

Last night, events flashed and shattered me all over again. Things from the other nights flashed right by my eyes. Like some race car speeding past a red traffic light. It won't stop. 

Tears stung my eyes as I began to lose control. My mind was in overdrive and I couldn't stop it. I was disoriented. I was confused. 

The door creaked open and I hid myself under the covers. I felt so childish in doing so. Nevertheless, I clutched the thick quilt firmly, as a hiccough escaped my lips. I felt like a child. A big lump formed on my throat as I felt blood rush to my cheeks. There was so much chaos in my brain. Sweat dripped silently, drenching the covers. It felt-- different. 

Once again, I was asking every question that came to me. Everything felt so different that I couldn't decipher my own emotions from my thoughts. Everything was jumbled up. It was like over a thousand puzzle pieces and I didn't know where to start. It hurt so much that it was tearing me apart, bit by bit. 

I felt the bed cushion slowly level down. In some way, I knew someone was there, patiently watching, knowing my every move. I didn't even dare to look up and see who it was. Who knew? It might have been that fuzzy blue elf again... 

It was the tenth time that week that I didn't mention his name. As if it were poison I dared not taste. As if it were a rose filled with thorns that I couldn't touch... My thoughts came to an end as I felt a hand slowly brush the quilt, gradually yanking it off. Hesitating, I looked up as my vision fogged. 

It wasn't the three-fingered hand I was secretly hoping to see. Silently, I closed my eyes again, wishing my thoughts, along with his image, which was burned in my mind, would fade away. I fixated my eyes on the person as she yanked off my covers up to my shoulder. Squinting, I stared at her. 

"It's rude tah stare, ya know." 

I heard the Southern accent. My vision cleared and all I saw was the person I least expected to be there. I couldn't believe what I saw. My tear-stricken eyes widened at the recognition of the figure. 

"R- Rogue?" 

I mumbled with uncertainty, sitting straight to make up a cleared view of her framework. I scratched my eyes a bit, thinking I was dreaming. But when I took away my hands, she was still there, one eyebrow raised with a very puzzled look on her face. 

"In tha' flesh, Kitten." she replied. "Who do ya expect?" 

"No... I thought... You were..." I replied, my voice dropping to a small squeak. I looked away and stared at my hand, gripping the cloth tightly. Inside, I wanted.... I yearned to say his name, but my mind knew better. 

As if reading my thoughts, she lifted my face up with her gloved finger. "Kurt?" she said, finishing my reply with a question. 

"Since when did you become Jean and read my thoughts?" I said, tears rimming my eyes as I shoved her hand away, looking down. 

She regained composure, adjusting the leather glove she had on her left hand. 

"Yeah, so maybe I am." she replied, pulling the glove's fingertips one at a time. 

"You, like, zapped her?" I asked, both puzzled and astonished by my own words. 

"I had tah! Ya were actin' so weird and Ah decided tah give her a tap." Rogue replied, putting the glove back on. 

"You could've just asked!" 

"As if ya weren't too stubborn tah tell me!" 

"Since when did you care?" I yelled in her face, emotions filling my cheeks as I wiped my tears away. 

"Since ya started tah sulk and cry every single day. Since ya skipped meals fer ova three days in a row. I'm not the only one who cares for ya around here fer all ya know!" she yelled back and stared at me. 

Somehow, I didn't have the guts to tell her what I wanted to say. I just turned and looked away, overcome with both the revelation of the Ice Queen and the destruction that she'd cause if so. Breathing in, I gathered up my courage and looked at her straight. I had never seen her this angry before in my entire life. 

"How the hell are we gonna tell Prof-" I paused as a calm voice murmured in my brain. 

"Kitty, Rogue, Kurt. I want to see you all in the library immediately." 

I shivered in the recognition of the voice. _*We are so in trouble.*_ I thought nervously to myself. 

Minutes later, I found the library floor interesting. An eerie silence hovered around as tensions rose, causing chills down my spine. I bit my lower lip as I heard a person's sigh. 

"All right, now. What happened?" the professor broke silence into pieces. 

"Ah can explain professor..." I heard Rogue's quivering voice answer. 

"No, Rogue,." I heard the elf answer. He stood up, tail hanging tensely in the air. Then he turned to Professor Xavier. "It was all my fault." My ears perked. I looked up in astonishment. 

"But Kurt--" Rogue started. 

He then explained a brief narrative, me, not knowing if it was real or not. The professor could've probed our minds by now, but I guess the elf's narrative worked. And Jean... Lucky us, she wouldn't remember anything either. The elf bowed his head and stared at the floor as his ears stood on their ends. 

"Kitty, Rogue you may go." Professor Xavier said as he nodded at me, then to Rogue. 

At first, I admit, I hesitated. As if my whole body was frozen on the spot, my eyes were watched the elf. His tail was limply lying, his head down, his eyes dropped to the floor. It made my heart pang a bit. 

And then I found myself lying at bed that night, tossing and turning in almost every direction I could manage to fit my body in. Sighing in defeat, I gazed at the night sky, stars twinkling faintly. My hands folded under my head, my legs hanging on the sides of the bed. Somehow, something just didn't feel right. Something was missing. I stood out of bed, hoping that a glass of warm milk would send me off to dreamland. 

Still lost in thought, I wandered to the kitchen, clutching my robe tightly around myself. I passed by the foyer and saw a small light in the darkness. I heard someone muttering almost silently. 

Out of curiosity, I went there and saw a figure, sitting down, hands held tight, head down. I watched as that person muttered in front of a candle, moonlight beaming at him. As I fixated on his hands., I noticed the abnormality. It was Kurt. 

I dragged my fear closer, quietly, wanting to hear what he was mumbling about As if my feet had a mind of their own, they stopped in the darkness and a foot away from the elf, I froze on the spot. 

"Lord please send me your guidance. I love Keety so much. And I've realized zat and now it's too late. Help me, Lord. Help Keety realize how I feel about her. help her understand that I've proven myself wrong vith choosing Amanda. I was wrong, Lord. Please let Keety..." he paused a bit as I heard a hiccough escape from his lips. "Please help her forgive me. I was wrong." he whispered, followed by a deep sigh. 

A part of me wanted to stand up from the position I was in and hold him in my arms and watch him cry. A part of me wanted to comfort him. But my body froze on the spot as more thoughts registered in my head. What did he just say? 

"Lord, Please forgive me. All I did was hurt the person whom I really love. I love Keety." 

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a / n:

hey people!! ^-^ finally! the third installment of shadowed emotions is up! ^_^ it took time to lay the plot down... because.... there is no plot! ^-^ well, technically speaking... there WAS no plot until it hit me right at mah face! ^-^. anywayz, onto my ever beloved creditz!

Thanks to those people who reviewed my fics! I luv yah all! ^-^ to my friends, Joy, Kare, 1mig, Rika, Anne, Eunice, Bez, Dino, JM, April, pookies, mike, and to my friends at fastgames and pldtplay, and to the guys who know me! ^-^ hehehe... Credits to DBZsista, Wakizashi and to RedLion, you guys rule!! ^-^ to 19B and to ***** ^-^.... hehehe...

to my twin, Ria! ^-^ mwah! i luv yah!

and to my new beta!!! (drum roll please!) TAINEYAH ^-^ she is a really cool beta!! check out her fics, she rules!! ^-^ better than me! everyone's better than me! ^-^

I AM and RAINDROPS are still open to reviews... =P

anywayz, it's almost time for my beautiful beautiful English class and I'm worn out writing this! ^-^ Please R & R!!! ^-^

Bye peepz!

lovelotz,

say-chan

[the posting was delayed because of the exam overdrive... aahhh!! it's total madness in hea!! i got a songfic comin' up this august... so wait for it to happen, aight? ^-^]


	4. Like a Child

**Shadowed Emotions**

**by: say-chan**

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Disclaimer: chappie four is on it's way! ^-^ crap here, crap there, crap everywhere! ^-^ i am quite angsty... hmm... will it affect chappie four? maybe... ^-^ i do now own x-men evolution... i just own the plot... ^-^

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_**Chapter Four: Like a Child**_

_~Don't stop the sun from shining down on me... Coz I can't face another day without your smile... And if you take your loving arms that surround me... Then I might break down and cry just like a child...~_

Desire. What is it and where does it lead to? I've experienced falling in out of love. I was like a character in some play. I hate this. I'm being the same character all over again. I've been through it many times before. But this is some game I still do not understand. I have been risking everything for a love I thought I was fighting for, but now, it feels strange. A part of me is fighting to let these emotions out. A part of me wants me to wake up from these dreams and delusions. A part of me is telling myself that if I did not have the chance to speak this all out, I would never- ever have the chance to even do so. 

It's like I'm stepping in somebody else's shoes, reading their own lines and playing their own parts. This- '_infatuation'_... as I'm fond of calling it... I want it to be gone. But it's really different now. I seem to lose my cool, my words.... my throat seems to be dry when somebody mentions his name... 

I want to get over this. It's me who's suffering from all this... chaos inside my brain. My inner voice is fighting with my own mind. And it won't stop. It's causing all this turmoil inside me so that I can't think straight anymore. And the worst part is, I don't even know what I'm up to. I don't know what I desire, what to do, what to say or even what to feel. Everything is all jumbled up again. I can't even start to look for pieces of this broken glass that I shattered. Realizing that torturing myself in this way, I wouldn't get what I really want. Then it hits me again. What do I want? 

Do I want it this way? Seeing him crying all over me and smiling at the same time? And when he turns away and I'm all alone, I cry? I'm confused by my own actions. I know I'm the cause of all this... disorder in myself... And, as usual, it's him I blame. But is it really his fault of loving me? 

I know deep inside I... I feel this thing for him. But I can't shout it out loud because of the way they knew me before. I know this is not right. I know that I shouldn't be thinking of other people's thoughts about my actions... But I feel so awkward in a way that nobody else knows. 

I'm afraid to admit it, but I've been missing the times when we were together... I guess it means so much more now than before. it was then I finally understood the fact that when you have someone with you, you only realize their importance when they're gone. I didn't appreciate that idea when it was banging in my brain, so look at me now. Bitter. Cold. Sad. Alone. Remembering what might have been. Or what could've been... 

What if I was wrong about what I felt for him way back then? What if he was really made for me? Too many questions again. The answer lies in him, and only in him will I find peace of mind. 

I heard the door creak open and I snapped out of my musings. I saw Rogue enter the room with a saddened expression on her face. She walked towards the window sill and rested her figure on it. Running her fingers through her hair, I heard her sigh. 

"Rogue? What's wrong?" 

She let out a fake laugh. "Funny, ain't it? It was just yesterday when Ah was asking you the same question." she replied. 

I raised a brow. It was my turn to question her. I was about to open my mouth, but she spoke ahead of me. 

"Ah guess you've finally recovered. You ain't crying anymore." 

Surprised by the observation, thoughts struck me. I sat there, facing her, speechless as the sun set on the horizon. 

"Kitty, Ah want you tah be true tah yourself. Stop acting like that." 

"Acting like what?" I asked her, as my voice raised. 

"A spoiled child." 

"What?!" I asked again as I heard her statement. Standing up, I raised my hand in the air, ready to slap her in the face. 

"Go on. Do it." she said. But my hand retreated and I sat down again. 

She shook her head as she started pacing around the room. She stopped and looked at me. "You love Kurt." she then said. 

"Huh?! And who are you to tell me what I feel for him?" I asked, defending myself. 

"Yes, Kitty, Ah **may** be a nobody, but at least Ah know how tah appreciate things that come my way. Look, the past few weeks have long gone and you have been acting so childish. You are not the center of the world, for all Ah care." she stated those words all in one breath. 

"And? So now you're jealous of the attention I'm having?" I asked, my mouth not controlled my my thoughts. 

"Don't accuse me, Kitty." she said. "I'm annoyed of the way you're acting!" she continued. 

"What way?" I asked. 

"Take one look at Kurt and you tell me what's happening to you." 

I bit my lower lip as I remembered the events the other night. His prayer... was dedicated all for me... and all I did was ignore it. "Rogue, just stop!" I said as a tear fell and traced my cheek. 

"Stop observing what's really happening? Kitty, you're lucky enough tah have Kurt as your friend! Did you ever stop and think of how much he's suffering? He's suffering so much more than you are now! Look at yourself, Kit. You are ignoring what's happening to you and somebody's suffering because of it." 

I stopped and looked for words to throw back at what she said. But there were none. Everything Rogue said was true. But I was just too stubborn to even admit it. 

"Rogue... why?" I choked as words came out with a hiccough. "Why are you doing this?" I asked. 

"Kitty... You have no idea on what he's going though." she replied. Sighing she walked towards where I was sitting. She lifted my face with a gloved finger and made me look at her. 

The next thing I knew, I was clutching a pillow next to my chest, my eyes overflowing with tears. My eyes widened in realization. I breathed in and out as Rogue's voice echoed inside my head. 

"Kurt's leaving for Germany next week."

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a / n:

hey people!! ^-^ I finally udated shadowed emotions! Tears in Heaven will come when my very cool beta, Tainz emails me the edited version... ^-^ i hope you guys like this... and now for my creditz...

Thanks to those people who reviewed my fics! I luv yah all! ^-^ to my friends, Joy, Kare, 1mig, Rika, Anne, Eunice, Bez, Dino, JM, April, pookies, mike, and to my friends at fastgames and pldtplay, and to the guys who know me! ^-^ hehehe... Credits to all of You! ^-^

to my twin, Ria! ^-^ mwah! i luv yah!

and to my cool beta reader !!! (crowd cheers) TAINEYAH ^-^ check her out! she's way cool!

i am, raindrops and wish are still open to reviews... =P

anywayz, it's almost time for bed and i gotta go... ^-^ Please R & R!!! ^-^

byeee!

lovelotz,

say-chan

[the post of this fic was delayed because of that stupid classmate of mine... i hope he dies... ^-^ ohh bad me... anywayz, thanks again people!]


	5. Without Your Love

**Shadowed Emotions**

**by: say-chan**

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Disclaimer: chapter five... the last chapter/ installation of the shadowed emotions plot... it has been quite a while since i last updated... so here it is... i'm gonna miss writing this story... ^-^okay, so the sequel to raindrops is on a dump, i can't find a way to fix my plot... but, i hope i'll be over this writer's block... i'm off to a new plot! **x-men-not mine, don't sue**... ^-^

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_**Chapter Five: Without your Love**_

_~My heart lied... while you cried... rivers of tears... but I was too blind to see... Everything we've been through before... Now it means so much more...~_

The days went right past me. I was too busy thinking of things that I shouldn't have been. My eyes were tired from all that crying. Tears wouldn't fall anymore. But replacing those tears, emptiness would surely take its place. I felt my heart pound against my chest as I remembered the words Rogue had told me.

I didn't quite understand. Kurt was leaving? He had such a great family here. Sighing, I asked myself. _Who am I kidding?_ I made his stay here in Bayville so... forbidding. And then I blamed myself for the things that happened. Everything that happened was due to my stubborn actions. I was sick of hiding all these things inside. Anytime, I might even break down. I was almost at the end of the line. I was on the verge of tearing up and crying all over again. Did my life need to be wasted more than it already was? 

All this time, I'd been hiding from what destiny put me to. Learning things that you shouldn't... or hearing things that you wouldn't want to is harsh. But having it repeated in your brain over and over? It's called torture. Failing to sustain my 'moment' of peace in looking out the window and up to the wisps of clouds in the sky was... just... futile. 

It was the time of day when I try to stop and think... to clear my mind. But because of the words that hit me more than once, I felt confused. Sighing, I experienced that piercing stab through my heart as a lump in my throat began to form. 

I heard a voice shout from within my soul. And there it was again. I listened, helplessly, not knowing what to do. Both dazed, confused and emotional at the same time screwed me up. Sometimes, I then wonder. Why am I here? 

A tear skidded down my face and I stopped thinking. Sighing, I stood up, slowly running my fingers through my hair. I bit my lower lip. As I again pondered the subject of my thoughts, I walked towards the window overlooking the entrance of the manor. I saw myself on the reflection of the glass. Averting my sight in disgust, I turned my back on the window sill. 

Bothered by questions, I decided to go downstairs and get something to drink. I opened the door and walked outside. As I neared the stairs to the foyer, a part of me wished I wasn't seeing what I was. 

There he was, sitting down on one chair, gazing outside the window. I heard my heart thump louder and louder as I tiptoed into the darkness. Somehow, seeing him, made me feel... different. 

Sighing, I bit my lip again as a tear rolled down my cheek. I clenched my fist tightly and looked away. Thoughts rushed through my head as blood pumped in my veins, faster and faster. 

I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. More and more voices echoed in my head... 

_"Keety I think I'm in love..." _

_"You know, he's feeling twice as much pain as you're feeling now"_

_"Lord, Please forgive me. All I did was hurt the person whom I really love. I love Keety."_

_"Huh?! And who are you to tell me what I feel for him?" _

_"Kurt's leaving for Germany next week." _

By the time I regained composure, by the time I was ready... I looked up again... only to face the subject of my thoughts since who knows when. "K-Kurt..." 

My voice came in a muffled whisper. My voice was quite relieved, almost pleading. My eyes told him everything that I couldn't say. I loved him. I needed him. I wanted him. That he means much more than he thinks. That I was wrong. 

It was then I realized that... that before I let him go... I needed to tell him. His feelings may have been lost forever, but mine would stay with those memories he left me. 

I swallowed the lump on my throat for the first time. Gathering up my courage, I started to speak. 

"Kurt... is it true that you're leaving?" I felt my whole mouth go dry. My eyes were fixated on my hands. 

I heard myself whimper. Deep inside, I didn't want to lose him. Heck, I **do not** want to lose him! But if... fate turned against me, I would give way. 

It was then I felt that crying relieved much part of my pain-- the pain of a broken heart. More and more tears welled up in my eyes. I felt my chest tighten as I breathed in and out. Thinking over the things that I said... that I did to hurt him... I just... 

My thoughts again came to an end. I felt his chest against my face and his arms around my body. I continued crying... but now, I have him to cry on. But if this was the last time... I- 

"Stop crying, Keety. I'm still your best friend, right? Your source of smiles? You told me that remember?" I heard his voice calm my reverie. But the content of his image was misunderstood. 

I threw myself around him, crying even more. "Kurt! No! You're not my best friend! You're more than that!" I shouted as I held him tight, not even wanting to let him go. 

My voice then dropped to a mere whisper. "Don't leave me, Kurt. Please don't just don't." I said with a sigh. "Ich Liebe Dich." I said in my worst German accent. 

Hearing myself doing this, pleading to him... of all the persons, would wreck my pride forever. But, can anyone tell me. What is pride when you're gonna lose someone you value more than your life? 

I felt his hand brush across my face, lifting my gaze up to him. At fist, I couldn't meet his eyes, but my inner voice told me to look at him. Like mine, his eyes were filled with tears. 

"Ich Liebe Dich, mein Katzchen." 

I then saw his smile. It was the first time I saw it for weeks. Overcome with emotion, I again threw myself in his arms. "I have always promised myself zat I von't hurt the one I loved...but I failed you, Katzchen. I have failed you." 

I pulled away from his embrace and shook my head as hard as I could. "No, Kurt. If anyone failed, it was me. It was me who didn't accept you. It was me who hurt you. It was me." I said, as I finally broke down and fell to my knees. 

I felt someone support my fall. "Why, Kurt? Why do you still care for me?" I asked as I looked at him. 

He smiled again. "Vhat am I here for? Isn't my purpose to catch you when you fall?" 

He was right. And the biggest mistake I did was to ignore him while he was falling. I bowed my head and looked at the floor once more. "I truly don't deserve you, Kurt." 

He shook his head. "No. If I don't deserve you... then why does this feel right?" 

He was right again. He was always right. This feeling... I've never experienced this before. It felt like I was rescued from a big nightmare. It felt so... real. 

"Kurt... Tell me that I'm dreaming... Say you'll never leave me." 

I bit my lip as I awaited his reply. "I'm not leaving Katzchen." 

I looked up at him, my eyes wide in awareness of what he just said. Both surprised and puzzled by the statement, I stood up from his arms and he did, too. He looked at me in the eye and took something from his back pocket. He lifted it up for me to see. It was his plane ticket. This made me more confused. What was he going to do? 

He held it by the ends, and, to my surprise, tore it in half and let it fall to the ground. "I would never leave you, mein Katzchen. Even though it means getting hurt, even though it means I have to die for you. Because I really love you. I would do anything for you." He confessed. 

I held his right hand in mine and turned his image inducer off. I looked up at him and gazed in his eyes for what seemed like an eternity. I stepped forward and leaned my head on his chest. 

Words could not express what I had been feeling. All this emotions were hidden all this time and I didn't even give effort to tell him- I did care for him. But he was still here, taking me back, holding me like no one ever has. 

I was never alone, and I will never be. All this time, I had been running around in circles. I had been moving along, not even realizing that he was there... not even caring if he was hurt. 

But... all this... all this I'd been thinking about... wouldn't be true... if I didn't gather up my courage and fight for what I felt for him. Rogue was right. I did hurt him. I owed my mere happiness to him. 

And now... all and everything is fulfilled. Everything is done. No more thoughts clouded. No more heartaches and pains. And... no more emotions to hide. And that... makes me feel like the luckiest person alive. Not because I'm not bothered anymore... or because I'm not crying again... But because I have him. 

And he has me. 

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a / n:

hello people!! ^-^ at last... this ficcie is over! ^-^ it has been so much fun writing this and reading your reviews... and i hope you continue to support my as i go on. thanks for everything!! ^-^

everything has been a hard hard work... especially the transition of scenes from chapter 4 to chapter 5... i had to think real hard... and i cried... as i was making the kurrty dialogue scene. i hope this chapter is good enough for you guys... you give me the inspiration to push through! ^-^ i dedicate this ficcie to all of you who reviewed! ^-^

my special thanks to the Lord and to my family... my friends need not mentioned... too many! ^-^ to my twin Ria, to my beta reader, Tainyah, to my fellow writers... ^-^ thank you all!! ^-^

i love you guys! i'm onto a new plot... i hope you guys continue reviewing as time goes on... thanks! more power to you all! g'bye... i'll miss you guys! ^-^

always and forever,

say-chan


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